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what can I do to fix this story?
its my writing btw
“What now?” I screamed in pain and agony packing my stuff leaving my college dorm. My heart was on fire; my dad had lost the job; I got expelled from college because I couldn’t pay the bills. My life is crumbling in my own hands right now. What else could go wrong? What else? I packed the only picture of my mom holding me, the dearest thing to me. I couldn’t forget my teddy bear that kept me company through the night; or the books that I spent hours working to get them.
Even if my father had lost his job, he wasn’t good at raising me; my mom became one of the angels and left earth. So I was mostly alone, my old man is alcoholic. All he thought about was beer, whiskey and girls. I was mostly one of the thousand leaves on the tree for him, if not maybe a rice grain in a rice field.. I could die, or disappear and he wouldn't care less or even notice. I remember when he came home all drunk and started slamming stuff, my name was a curse word to him. He hated me, his own son. Abusing me was one of his daily bases, sometimes he made me go get money for him as he tried to get the last bit of beer in the bottle.
Adding more, I couldn't pay my college bills, so they kicked me out. Sure there were loans and scholarships but I wasn’t that good in education, I would go sell chamangos right after school since my father wouldn’t pay for my supplies or clothes. I was lucky that he provided me with shelter. A loan isn’t an option either, who knows what will happen in the future. There’s always the army I guess, but the old man prohibited it. He had hated anything that dealt with the congress or the military. He wasn’t on the country’s side, saying he would kill me; I was freighted, I dared my life… or used to.
Actually this got me thinking, I would commit suicde and all my ashes would disappear. There got to be a reason for existence, not mine though. I am a lost cause! Sure, my old man would be happy if I wasn’t around. I want him to suffer though, suicde won’t be the best thing.
I could burn the house down, why am I thinking like this? What disease has overcome me? I better stop thinking like that or I'll get lost on the road; take the dark path.
Trip on the halls and I will bleed, trip in life and I will become disconsolate or broken. Maybe I could work in a warehouse, no need for the luxury life.
On my way home I was taking the light rail. Before anything... I was so lost in thought that the train came towards me at lightning speed. My body froze, I saw flashing lights.
My body felt cold...
Real, real cold …..

Sagot :

sept7577

nothing. your story is really good

Answer:

I just edited it, tell me what you think

Explanation:

"What next, cruel world?" I cried out in pain and agony as I packed my belongings to leave my college dorm. My heart was burning. My dad had lost his job, I got expelled from college because I couldn’t pay the bills-my whole life was crumbling right before my eyes. What else could possibly go wrong? I packed the only picture I had of my mom holding me, the dearest possession to my heart. I couldn’t forget my teddy bear, which kept me company through the longest nights, or the books that I spent hours saving up for.

The fact that my father had lost his job was only one reason I should h.ate him. He wasn’t so good at raising me. My mom left me and Dad after a terrible battle with the flu, and it still hurts to see her gravestone. I was mostly alone. My old man is an alcoh.olic- all he ever thinks about is be.er, whis.key and girls. I was just one of the thousand leaves on the tree for him, maybe even just a single rice grain in a rice field. I could d.ie or disappear and he wouldn't even notice. I remember whenever he would come home, dr.unk as could be, and start thre.atening to ch.oke or sho.ot me. My name was like a cu.rse word to him. When he was dr.unk, he hated me, his own son. Abusing me was one of his daily occurrences.

And now I couldn't pay my college bills, so they kicked me out. Sure, there were loans and scholarships, but I wasn’t very well educated, I would go sell stuff in the parking lot after school since my father wouldn’t pay for my supplies or clothes. I was lucky that he provided me with shelter. A loan isn’t an option either-who knows what will happen in the future.? There’s always the army, but Dad prohibited it. He had h.ated anything that dealt with Congress or the military. I dared my life… or used to.

This got me thinking that I should commit su.icide and all my ashes and troubles would disappear. There is a reason for existence, but not mine. I am a lost cause. Sure, my old man would be happy if I wasn’t around. I want him to suffer like I did though, so su.icide isn't the answer.

I could burn the house down... Wait, why was I thinking like this? What had possessed my mind to even talk like that? I had to stop thinking like that or I'd be lost and follow the dark path.

If I were to trip in the halls, I would ble.ed. But if I tripped in life, I would become broken. Maybe I could work in a warehouse, no need for the luxury life.

On my way home I was taking the light rail. Before anything... I was so lost in thought that the train came towards me at lightning speed. My body froze once I saw flashing lights.

My body felt cold...

So this is what terror feels like...

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